3 Unexpected Ways Antidepressants Changed My Life
It's no happy pill, but...
TW: mentions of depression, suicide, and self harm
It's hard to believe that it's been over three years since I posted that video.
I've been taking Lexapro for more than three years, and it's truly been the best decision for my mental wellbeing and overall quality of life. Every area of my life has benefited from this medication. Initially, I believed that antidepressants had just two benefits: 1. to make me not depressed (lol) and 2. reduce anxiety.
Yet, my experience with antidepressants has surpassed those expectations. They've enhanced my daily life in so many unexpected ways.
1. Antidepressants Improved My Relationships
One particularly damaging symptom of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is severe irritability. I had a short fuse. The most minor inconvenience would send me into a frenzy, causing me to lash out at those around me. Whether that was my parents, my brother, my friends, my management team, or people that I collaborated with. I hated it. I despised this aspect of my behavior and the negative impact it had on others. Despite being acutely aware of the distress it caused, I struggled to manage my irritability whenever issues arose. It’s like anxiety just took over my body and I had to fight to regain control of it.
Ever since beginning my treatment with Lexapro, a remarkable change has taken place – I find myself more composed and clear-headed. The small setbacks that once sent me into a state of upheaval are no longer debilitating; they're just minor blips in the day. Now, I can step back and view my anxiety from a distance, allowing me to think critically and devise constructive solutions instead of descending into panic.
This transformation has had a profound effect on my social interactions. My ability to communicate has become noticeably more effective, fostering stronger and more positive relationships. I approach conversations with a newfound openness, and while I acknowledge that there is always room to become a better communicator, the progress I've seen is both significant and heartening.
2. Depression? I don’t know her
For most of my life, I didn't believe I could have depression, largely due to its portrayal in the media. In television and movies, depression is often shown in its most extreme forms - characters grappling with severe addiction, engaging in self-harm, wrestling with constant thoughts of suicide, or perpetually looking sad. While depression can indeed present itself in these intense ways, it also exists in subtler forms. However, since these aren't typically depicted in media narratives, I failed to recognize and acknowledge my own struggles with depression, unable to see my symptoms reflected in those extreme portrayals.
I didn’t know that depression could manifest in activities as mundane as an inability to shower, the constant need to nap, or a lack of desire to leave the bed. Unlike the portrayal in TV and films where depression is often equated with daily suicidal ideation, my experience was different. I didn't have a desire to end my life every day.
Instead, there were times when I simply had no desire to exist. It's a nuanced but real distinction—between actively wanting to be dead and passively feeling indifferent to the prospect of continuing life. In my journey with depression, I’ve encountered both feelings. Most often, though, it was an overwhelming sense of emptiness, a life lacking meaning or joy despite objectively recognizing my fortune: a dream apartment, a fulfilling job, and loving friends and family. Intellectually, I knew their value, but emotionally, I couldn't connect to why these aspects made life worth living.
Here's how I perceive the difference in thoughts:
Wanting to die entails a clear intent: “I want to commit suicide. I want to perform a deliberate act to cease my existence.”
On the other hand, not wanting to be alive means being indifferent to existence: “If my life ended abruptly today, it wouldn’t matter, as my existence seems as void of substance and vibrancy as nonexistence itself.”
Feeling indifferent about life is akin to just drifting through your days. When nothing seems meaningful enough to make life worthwhile, motivation disappears. Why bother to leave the house, shower, meet friends, share laughter and stories with family, or savor delicious food? What's the purpose? Consequently, you end up just floating—mechanically going through the motions, fulfilling basic expectations and nothing more. I was creating content, earning a paycheck, attending events because it was required of me, and paying rent for the necessity of shelter. But that was the extent of it; I wasn't truly engaging with life. And the prospect of facing death? It didn't faze me.
Therapy marked the beginning of a change, even though my feelings initially remained the same. My therapist suggested lifestyle adjustments: reducing social media use, practicing meditation, and revisiting activities that used to bring joy. However, I soon realized that these once-pleasurable pursuits no longer brought me happiness. I felt like an empty shell.
Externally, I appeared to function; I managed to get work done (though behind schedule), laughed at jokes socially, and maintained conversations and flirtations. I did what was socially expected, not out of desire, but out of obligation. And each morning, I would wake up to repeat the same monotonous routine.
The topic of “burnout” has gained considerable attention online, particularly in the context of the pandemic. A survey by Mental Health America revealed that 75% of American workers have felt burnout at some point, with 40% attributing it specifically to the COVID-19 pandemic.
This buzz around burnout online led me to assume that I was simply experiencing the same thing. Considering I wasn't engaged in the extreme behaviors often depicted in media, such as self-harm or drug abuse, it seemed more likely to me that I was just overworked and fatigued, much like some of my friends. After all, it's normal to feel burnt out, not depressed—or so I thought.
However, I eventually realized my situation was different. When my friends who suffered from burnout took a vacation, they returned rejuvenated. In contrast, my own vacations didn't alleviate my fatigue. My friends would feel relief after wrapping up a project, but finishing tasks left my sense of burnout unchanged. Burnout is typically a temporary condition, linked to a particular stressor in life. Depression, however, is pervasive. It clings to you regardless of the situation, whether you're struggling with a demanding project or relaxing on an exotic island, depression is always there with you.
In essence, I was aware that antidepressants were supposed to alleviate my depression, making me “not depressed” (quoting myself here lmao). However, I had lived with depression for so long that I became blind to how crippling it truly had been. It was like living in a fog that I had grown so used to that I couldn't see how thick it really was. The full measure of the vitality, joy, and potential that depression was leaching from my life only became apparent after I started treatment and began to recover. Emerging on the other side of depression, I could finally see the contrast between the constrained life I had been living and the fuller, more vibrant life that was possible without the heavy shadow of depression. It was only in retrospect that I could understand the profound and pervasive way depression had affected every aspect of my being, from my energy levels and motivation to my ability to experience pleasure and connect with others.
3. Increased Energy and Motivation
For a long time, I envied those proactive people who wake up with the sunrise, spring out of bed with verve, and kickstart their day with exercise and a wholesome breakfast, all the while maintaining a sense of motivation to carry that momentum throughout the day. Such a lifestyle felt out of reach for me before I sought medical help. Since starting antidepressants three years ago, though, I've experienced an unforeseen surge in both my energy and my willingness to get things done. This newfound zest has ushered in a capacity to participate in various aspects of life that I'd previously found too daunting.
Now, hobbies that once gathered dust on my to-do list are part of my regular routine. I'm more willing to embrace new opportunities and I've committed to a healthier, more dynamic daily life. It's important to acknowledge that my life isn't flawless—antidepressants are not miracle workers. They don't erase all of life's challenges or the need for personal effort. However, they've significantly lifted the fog that once made even simple self-care and everyday tasks feel insurmountable.
Thanks to this medical support, I've been empowered to actively improve my well-being. There's a newfound harmony in my life between my health regimen and my personal ambitions. With each passing day, I grow more in tune with what makes me feel fully alive and integrated into the world around me. The journey isn't without its bumps, but I'm much more equipped to navigate them, transforming what was once a mere wish into a lived reality.
A Frequently Asked Question
Many of you have repeatedly asked me in the comments of my social media posts if I'm concerned about potentially needing antidepressants for life.
At first, I definitely harbored that fear. Due to deeply ingrained societal prejudices against mental health medication, I initially regarded antidepressants with a lot of skepticism. All that skepticism melted away when I witnessed their profoundly positive impact on my life. To be completely blunt with you: antidepressants saved my life. Without them, I would not be alive right now. That’s the honest truth.
But it's crucial to understand that lifelong medication is not the destiny for everyone who faces mental health challenges. Mental health diagnoses are as diverse as the people they affect, and treatment strategies must be uniquely tailored to each individual. In my experience, after three years of collaborative work with my doctor and therapist, we've found that my current treatment plan is quite effective. While we’re open to future changes if necessary, right now, I am seeing great benefits.
It's vital to remember that the appropriateness of long-term medication is specific to each person's conditions and needs. Throughout this journey, it has become clear that treatment plans are personalized and dynamic, often adjusted over time based on various factors, including how one responds to the medication and changes in their life circumstances. No matter what may happen down the road, I can assert with confidence that this medication has been a pivotal factor in turning my life around.
Hey Asia, have you ever dealt with the fear of "what if I will need higher and higher dosage" or "what if one day it stops working"? Thank you!
asia, this literally came at the perfect time for me. i’ve been struggling for a long time and just recently was diagnosed (officially) with depression. it took me so long because i just didn’t fit the mold like you said of what depression was. and i also feel like i didn’t want to tell myself that i was depressed, i made myself believe i just wasn’t doing enough because lack of self discipline.
today was my first step in getting medication and going through that process. thank you for sharing and that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel 🫶🏼