Listen now | I recently recorded my first guest podcast episode for SKNFLUENCR with celebrity hairstylist Josh Liu. In a segment where we were talking about mental health & immigrant parents, Josh said that when he was younger, he told his parents that he was âsadâ (an alternative word for â
(Gotta go listen!) And immigrant? Try *black as well!
The most out of pocket thing said to me that simultaneously solidified my decision to leave my FAMILYâS version of Christianity and to NEVER fully open up to family again was when I was reflecting on my first breakup (from a partner of almost 4 years) with my mom.
It had been over half a decade since we had broken up and both of us were fine, still cool with each other, families still talked if we ran into each otherâŠ
And I talked about the state I was in⊠How I cried myself to sleep, how I carried pills in my backpack during college in case I couldnât take that looming dark cloud any longer and could confidently âescapeâ from anywhereâŠ
How I tried EVERYTHING to make the feeling go away (journaling, crying, praying, being with friends, sleeping)âŠ
And she said, âyou obviously didnât pray.â
âWHAT??â
âIt wasnât like you were married so it shouldnât have impacted you like that anyway. But God heals all so you clearly didnât turn to God and pray⊠otherwise you wouldnât have felt like that.â
ââŠ.. I said I DID pray.â
âWell you didnât pray good enough.â
I was APPALLED and HURT for her to be so dismissive about my past pain and to be so brainwashed by her belief system that she couldnât fathom that anyone actually did the Christian thing and it DIDNâT work.
Yeah, a few years before that happened I was experiencing a spiraling depression that scared me so much, I wanted therapy.
I was a car-less commuter in college so I had no control over how long I could stay⊠but calling the therapy office meant that theyâd randomly call back to ask questions so I could make my first real appointment.
Of course they called while I was with my mom at a JC PenneyâŠ
I tried to hide by a clothes rack and whisper to them, but it didnât work.
When I got off the phone, my mom had overheard and interrogated me until I called back and cancelled the appointment.
She was saying things like âyouâre just spoiled, thatâs your problem. You have NOTHING to be âdepressed about.â Whatâs going on for you to feel âdepressedâ? Stop acting white.â
I think she was just hurt that I didnât come to her about EVERYTHING (I was learning WAY before then that I needed to keep conversations a bit shallow within my family).
But I felt so so trapped when that happened.
The final straw was the first incident I wrote about.
(Gotta go listen!) And immigrant? Try *black as well!
The most out of pocket thing said to me that simultaneously solidified my decision to leave my FAMILYâS version of Christianity and to NEVER fully open up to family again was when I was reflecting on my first breakup (from a partner of almost 4 years) with my mom.
It had been over half a decade since we had broken up and both of us were fine, still cool with each other, families still talked if we ran into each otherâŠ
And I talked about the state I was in⊠How I cried myself to sleep, how I carried pills in my backpack during college in case I couldnât take that looming dark cloud any longer and could confidently âescapeâ from anywhereâŠ
How I tried EVERYTHING to make the feeling go away (journaling, crying, praying, being with friends, sleeping)âŠ
And she said, âyou obviously didnât pray.â
âWHAT??â
âIt wasnât like you were married so it shouldnât have impacted you like that anyway. But God heals all so you clearly didnât turn to God and pray⊠otherwise you wouldnât have felt like that.â
ââŠ.. I said I DID pray.â
âWell you didnât pray good enough.â
I was APPALLED and HURT for her to be so dismissive about my past pain and to be so brainwashed by her belief system that she couldnât fathom that anyone actually did the Christian thing and it DIDNâT work.
Yeah, a few years before that happened I was experiencing a spiraling depression that scared me so much, I wanted therapy.
I was a car-less commuter in college so I had no control over how long I could stay⊠but calling the therapy office meant that theyâd randomly call back to ask questions so I could make my first real appointment.
Of course they called while I was with my mom at a JC PenneyâŠ
I tried to hide by a clothes rack and whisper to them, but it didnât work.
When I got off the phone, my mom had overheard and interrogated me until I called back and cancelled the appointment.
She was saying things like âyouâre just spoiled, thatâs your problem. You have NOTHING to be âdepressed about.â Whatâs going on for you to feel âdepressedâ? Stop acting white.â
I think she was just hurt that I didnât come to her about EVERYTHING (I was learning WAY before then that I needed to keep conversations a bit shallow within my family).
But I felt so so trapped when that happened.
The final straw was the first incident I wrote about.